Control vs Love – Defining Love

Love is a feeling I’ve struggled with and have written about my whole life.  What’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy love?  How do you know where the problems lie in any relationship and how do you let go of control?  Since I didn’t grow up surrounded by healthy friendships or romantic relationships I had no idea what to look for when it came to love.  I still don’t believe that I show it to the capacity that I could.

How can you recieve love without questioning if it’s even there in the first place? 

I’ve been doing a lot of healing work the past few months which has allowed me to become more powerful and sure of who I am.  I’m becoming more confident in my relationships and my place in people’s lives.  I’m at the same time, learning how to let love in.  Through the work I’m doing I’ve been able to reflect on what love looked like for me in the past and what I want it to look like moving forward.

Through observation and personal experiences, I’ve learned that love can easily be confused with possessiveness.  At times, we can hold so dearly to what we care about that the moment someone else shows any affection towards it jealousy begins to manifest.  Jealousy, in my opinion, is a form of control masked as affection for someone or something.  There are people who’re inherently jealous, but often times it’s a way to cover up deep underlying insecurity.  A character flaw we often don’t dare touch because that would mean healing, and healing means letting go.  And “letting go” means that what you thought was the answer was a lie all along.

In order to heal insecurities, you first need to get honest with your toxic traits and how they’re affecting your actions.  What behaviors are you exhibiting out of love?  Are you showing love or are you bordering on possessiveness?  Using love to control isn’t healthy and leads to failed relationships in all forms.  I believe that this is the cause of many ends to an otherwise beautiful beginning.  Because love is for everyone and you need to trust that what you love will be yours.  If you’re missing that trust then I can’t believe that love was even there in the first place.

People don’t belong to us, they belong to themselves.  They’re free to go where they feel with or without your approval or say.  Love is knowing this while still trusting that those meant to be in your life will stay.  I think that in any love situation it’s important to remember that you were one person before you met those other people and you’re going to continue being one person till the day you die.  Love means accepting and letting people do what’s best for them without strings.

How to let go of the need to control in any type of relationship: 

  1. Acknowledge and be okay with alone time away from each other
  2. Encourage separate hobbies and interests
  3. Stop bringing up the past as a way to cause emotional stress
  4. Learn to trust each other
  5. Have an open communication
  6. Respect each other’s choices – (Unless it causes harm to themselves or others)

Once I began defining what love is for me I began drifting towards certain people in a more powerful way.  My intentions have shifted and It’s been transformational in how my habits and mindset have grown.  I never thought I’d be able to heal the part of myself that questions every relationship I hold dear.  Yet here I am, and I’m happier because of it.  Letting go of that control and letting go of what I wanted love to look like and just letting it be what it is has allowed me to become less anxious and worried.  I no longer feel that I need to be at every event or say yes to every invite.  I’m more comfortable knowing that a “no” doesn’t make me less important to those on the receiving end.


Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash



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