Published on: May 6, 2017

 

A few months ago, out of curiosity, I downloaded Tinder, then OkCupid, then Match, and Bumble soon afterward.  I learned pretty early on that dating is a lot like going on an audition. The only difference is that I enjoy acting.

When you’re acting you’re still you, just in an imaginary situation that you make real. You plan ahead, you know your lines, and when things go wrong you improvise. Sometimes you get a callback, and when you don’t that’s okay, you wait it out for the next audition.

Dating and auditioning are basically the same thing.

Proof:

If you do get an acting callback, you might suddenly find yourself committed for weeks, months, sometimes years.
Sounds an awful lot like dating to me.

I love auditioning, but I don’t love dating and that’s where the comparison ends.  I do enjoy both. They can be fun and sometimes worth my time. Again, the difference is that I love the acting process more.

I went on a few dates/met a few guys through these apps.  Here are their stories (DUN DUN).  

Tinder:

I deleted Tinder almost immediately.  I realized that I would never be part of the hookup culture, and became exhausted looking at mirror selfies and sexy poses with dogs (I don’t kid).  These Tinder men were trying to figure women out, but they kept missing the boat and that made me sad.  Don’t get me wrong, I am an empathetic person. I’m just not that empathetic.

OkCupid:

I was told by an Italian man that he hated when women spoke to men who weren’t their boyfriends.

I was harassed by another man for not knowing as much SEO and HTML as he did and “Why aren’t you messaging me back within 5 minutes of me messaging you? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Why am I not a priority in your life?”

I’m not kidding. I had to block him for being such a needy ass.

I’m also not into men with a million drinking pictures.

Match:

Had all the same men that were on OkCupid and Tinder. (WHY ARE MIRROR SELFIES STILL A THING?) . So I refused to pay for the service. Also, I don’t LOVE the idea of giving money away to date and have it maybe work out.

Bumble:

This app has some decent men on it. When I was traveling I got to see the amount of men in my area who were interested in me. It was fun for my ego to watch the number jump from 50 to 100 in a matter of minutes.

I didn’t find too many terrible men on Bumble. I did have one guy ask me to meet him at a hotel between his place and mine (No).

Another guy who, because of his high IQ (his words), “knew” that I’d been treated like shit by past boyfriends (Nope) and he could treat me like a princess.

(Side Note: Don’t EVER call me princess if you want to date me. I’ve never wanted to be a princess, and as an adult woman the word just feels dirty and degrading)

I recently downloaded Bumble again, but when another guy I had just started talking to wrote, “Pay attention to meeeeee.  Make me a priorityyyyyy.”  I deleted it.

Why are men to needy?  Can a man answer this for me because I want need to know. 

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At the end of the day, I don’t love dating. Especially online dating. It can be time-consuming, and for what? What’s the end game here? Marriage? HAHA.

I’m not against marriage.  I just don’t care about getting married. Just do like they did on Grey’s Anatomy and write on a posted note that you love each other. It’s basically the same thing and you don’t need to worry about alimony when you get a divorce.

To some, I may sound bitter, but to those with open minds hear me out. I really love being alone, I love my independence. I’m not willing to give that up for just anyone. I don’t see the point. It’s going to take someone really special for me to consider settling down.*

And to men everywhere, I know that you try. It’s not you, it’s me (blah blah).

It’s just that we don’t live in a world where women feel like they need a man to survive.

Is this a good time to mention that I’m planning on moving this year?  Maybe dating isn’t a great idea right now anyways.

Read on!

*I’ll never settle

In closing, here are some relationship/dating tips for men and women.

  1. Sometimes “I’m fine” really does mean “I’m fine.” Don’t overthink it.
  2. Don’t date anyone who makes you guess why they’re mad at you. (They need to grow up)
  3. There’s a time and place for neediness.  All of the time is not one of them.
  4. If anyone tells’s you they’ll kill themselves if you leave, GET OUT. This is called manipulation and you deserve better.
  5. Don’t date anyone who doesn’t love the ugly parts of you.
  6. Don’t date anyone who’s embarrassed by your quirks or puts down your dreams. (This one seems obvious but I’ve seen it happen)
  7. Take a shower.
  8. Dental floss wasn’t invented to stare at.
  9. Don’t assume. Ask a question, get the answer. It’s amazing what conversations can do for a relationship.
  10. If you can’t trust the other person, your relationship is doomed.
  11. I’m the worst at dating so don’t listen to anything I say.
  12. Those who can’t do, teach.  So don’t listen to me.

 

Photo by ZACHARY STAINES on Unsplash

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