I spent October settling into a new apartment, dealing with being sick, and starting a new job. It wasn’t until last Tuesday when I worked out for the first time in three weeks that I became fully aware of my mood shift this past month. I hadn’t been my usual self (At least not internally). After 45 minutes of working out, I noticed immediately how much happier I felt. It hit home how important routine and consistency are in my life and the importance of being surrounded by positivity and good friends.
I didn’t talk about my feelings surrounding October until this past weekend at a leadership seminar. Being vocal about my down days still brings up feelings of judgment so I tend to keep them to myself. But yesterday I cried in the company of friends, in a public place during an emotional moment. At no point did I get a feeling of judgment from anyone but myself. I realized that there doesn’t have to be shame associated with crying in front of friends. That feelings come and go and it’s important to allow them to flow naturally. Friends who care about you and want you to succeed will be there for comfort if needed. One of my intentions for the next few months is to allow my sensitive side to show more. Because when I deal with it alone, I tend to self-deprecate and my self-image suffers.
Self-image is something everyone struggles with, even those we most admire. It’s so easy to forget that for whatever reason, at one point we have all felt self-conscious about our physical appearance and our abilities.
During my teenage years and early 20’s, I never left the house without a full face of makeup. My self-worth for a long time was based on physical appearance. I used to feel self-conscious about my appearance and shut down when I felt unattractive. Imposter syndrome led me to question my own talents and abilities to the point where I wouldn’t take action in any capacity.
I was allowing those around me to lead my life, instead of being the captain of my own ship.
This past year I’ve learned that regardless of how I think I look, at end of the day what I truly care about the most is how I make others feel. Because I can spend all day focusing on appearance, but no one will truly see themselves the way others do.
How could they?
You don’t see your face light up when you talk about what you love or how your smile stretches when your food arrives. You’re not always aware of the lives you touch just by being present, listening, and being a leader. Every laugh and smile that is a result of you just being you makes a difference in the lives you surround yourself with. I think sometimes we fail to recognize the beauty in it all. The way you make people feel, how you choose to shine your light, and the words you choose when talking to people make all the difference in the world. That’s what I want to focus on.
This past weekend opened my eyes to what it is I truly want to create in this world. The more I choose to focus on things that are out of my control the more stunted I’ll become. I wasn’t created to shrivel up and hide who I am. I am who I am. Even when it annoys the hell out of me. Some days wish I wasn’t as goofy or awkward as I am. Especially when it feels like I’m not being taken seriously. But at the end of the day, all that matters is whether or not I can take myself seriously. I know what my intentions are and I know what I desire in this world. As long as I’m living my truth people will choose to stay and leave as they please.
I’m not saying that looks don’t matter, because we do live in a world where they do. But it is more than that. Self-love needs to come from within. Because the greatest investment you’ll ever make is the one you make on yourself. For me, self-love is about strength and the confidence to be your authentic self.
I still have days where I feel gross, but those days are few and far between. I’m naturally becoming someone who’s positive and confident, even during those moments when I’m too in my head. November will bring a fresh start. I’m looking forward to utilizing my energy in a more productive manner because I let many goals fall to the wayside in October. By realigning myself and getting clearer with my intentions, anything in this world is possible.
It’s time to get my ass in gear for the remainder of 2018.