Hey – Random Thoughts at Midnight in LA

Hey…it’s late but I felt compelled to write.  Yellow dixie cups and pink step stools remind me of when I was younger.  I’m so tired right now.  So this post won’t make much sense and I’m not sure why I’m thinking about dixie cups.  Have you ever dreamt about something that felt real?  A futuristic something that hasn’t happened yet but at some level, you feel like it will?  I got to do a mediation last August and this image popped into my head and on occasion, I’ll have dreams about it.  Almost like a video projecting my future.  I’m not sure what it means yet but I’m curious to find out.  It involves the same person each time, my never-ending story.

I’ve been feeling different this past month.  More confident in my power, less butthurt over dumb stuff, more rational.  I’m pretty sensitive even though I don’t let it show.  There are only a few people who don’t ever seem to be able to hurt my feelings.  I’m seeing things from an outsider perspective.  Taking situations and picking them apart until they make sense.  Certain emotions need to be nipped in the bud because feelings are just energy.  Energy will pass in time.

When I was younger I drank earl gray tea with cream and toast with jam every night before bed.  It’s probably why caffeine doesn’t keep me awake and why I love earl gray tea lattes.  They’re my comfort when I’m feeling “off”.  It’s funny how you grow but things from your childhood are still present in your adult life.  It’s weird to remember that you were once this small human with big emotions who couldn’t reach the counter.  How that kid’s still a part of you.  It’s important to acknowledge that part of us. We all have that kid inside of us who at the time maybe didn’t feel loved or good enough.  That kid would probably be super proud of who they became.  Look at you adulting and making an impact on people’s lives.  (Wheather you realize it or not you’re influencing the world around you).

I’m not sure who I’m speaking to when I write, but I read that I needed to find a niche.  I hope people can take something positive away from my words because words are powerful.

In 8th grade, I spent hours writing a creative paper that I was super proud of only to be told that it wouldn’t be graded.  The reason?  The teacher told me I had plagiarized it.  There’s no way I could have possibly written that, she said.  So I stopped writing for a long time, even though it was one of my favorite thing to do.  Basically, don’t ever stop doing something because a few people tell you’re bad at it.  What do they know?  Nothing about you that’s for sure.  Don’t stop doing what brings you joy.  It really is the little things in life that make the biggest impact on our overall health and happiness.

I’ve been thinking about that more.  What am I doing when I’m happiest?  Usually, it’s when I’m playing games, with people I care about or doing something creative.  It’s funny because when I was younger all I wanted to do with my family after dinner was play games but they rarely complied.  I love games and my friends now like them too.  Games bring people together, they strengthen relationships.  And all I ever really wanted (besides a dog and world peace) was to feel truly connected to people.  I like to think I manifested my current life.

Okay, now it’s late  I’m a morning person so this 12 am bedtime is starting to take its toll on me and I really have no idea if anything I wrote made sense.  My brain isn’t processing what I’m writing at this point…I’m in zombie mode.

I’ll leave you with this…I love Los Angeles and I see myself staying here for a long time.  I’m grateful for Herbalife because I feel healthy and energetic, which for me is a feat in its own.  Thankful that my parents are working on themselves and that my siblings are living their best lives.   For everyone I’ve met here and my friends from back east.  And for the close friendships that I’ve grown in LA.  Those friends who call me out on my BS, who hold me accountable, who I can be myself around, who love me despite my flaws.

It feels like my soul search is finally coming to fruition.

(Call me cheesy for that last line but it’s the truth).

There’s more, but for now, that’s enough.


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