Published on: Apr 25, 2018

 

Standing on Hollywood Boulevard tonight I watched a homeless man stumble past me with a dirty blanket, muttering under his breath.  I never know how to react to these situations.  The last time a homeless man came up to me he was on a bike on Melrose.  I said “No” like I was some damn wolf.  It was stupid and came out of nowhere, but his advances freaked me out.

The place is dingy and smells like lost dreams and smog.  Where do you think the man got that blanket?

I’ve never liked this part of Los Angeles, and I don’t understand the obsession with celebrities or the Hollywood stars that scatter across the sidewalks on Vine.  I stood there and thought a lot about the human condition, and the situations that people find themselves in.

People are smarter than they give themselves credit for.  The answers to our questions aren’t complicated.  It’s all the self-doubt and fear that hold us back.  Because what if we do achieve everything we want in life?  What then?  Then we’ll have to admit that we were wrong about ourselves this whole time.

A lot of people remember the past as if it were happening now, and they use those memories to justify their shitty behavior today.  They drink, they isolate themselves, and they never commit.  They do all these things because they’re scared of letting go.  Once you let go you have to face consequences.  You have to move on.  And moving on can be terrifying.

Because you have to then look at yourself and see all the damage you’ve caused.

I’m beginning to notice a growing trend amongst people.  They’re all searching for something or someone to save them.  Someone with the answers, who will make their worries and pain disappear.

But how do you ask for help from people who are also pros at internalizing their pains?

How do you vocalize what you’ve internalized for years?

The more people I meet the more I’m beginning to realize how broken we all are.  Everyone seems to feel guilty for something that they believe is hurting someone else.  Or they feel guilt over something that they should have done and it still weighs heavy on their heart.  Unless you learn to communicate the hard truths you’ll never find an answer.

You can spend your whole life with guilt, but you can’t decide how people feel before they even get the chance to feel anything at all.

I think this is why so many relationships fall apart, whether it’s a friendship, a crush, or a lover.  Deciding and assuming how people feel isn’t fair to those at the receiving end, and often times it leads to the demise of an otherwise healthy relationship.

We assume based on our own insecurities.  Rather than trusting people, we’ve lost all trust in everyone.  Because if one person hurt you years ago, who’s to stop anyone else from doing the same now?

The more we spiral, the more out of control our lives become.  We accumulate clutter, we become an addict, we lie, and we cheat.  And some of the time we don’t believe that our demise is our own doing.  We might say that it is, but deep down there’s resentment towards a parent, a past relationship, a teacher, a pet, etc.

Because letting go of guilt and sadness is hard.  And most people won’t put the work in.

Maybe you become homeless because of it.  Maybe you just become a shell of who you once were.

And it’s a cycle.

Because the next generation comes along and they learn from their elders.

They learn who to be angry with, how to communicate, and what a relationship should look like.

But then sometimes, on occasion, things shift.

Someone breaks the cycle.

They break the abusive chain of events and learn to communicate.

Moving on doesn’t seem so difficult anymore because they’ve learned healthier coping skills.

Building boundaries become easier.

You’ll begin to learn that a derailed train can be put back on the tracks.

That people forgive.

And another’s person’s feelings aren’t yours to take and internalize.

Their feelings aren’t, nor have they ever been a reflection of who you are.

People want to love and be loved.

When you put in the work, one day you’ll be able to fully appreciate and internalize what that feels like.

 

“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living.”

-Iain Thomas

 

 

Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash

 

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