Published on: Mar 22, 2018


You know when you’re looking forward to eating a meal and you discover that it has cilantro in it?  Why people destroy perfectly good meals with cilantro I’ll never know, but I do know that they usually mean well. Cilantro is a welcome addition for half of the population and disliked by the other half.  I know this to be true from my own observational research.

People are like cilantro. Some people will see you as a welcome additive in their life, while others might think you taste like soap.  A few people might even be able to stomach you in certain situations but will avoid you in others.

I’m currently in a strange stage of my life.  I recently moved to a new city and I’m still trying to figure out where I stand in the world.  I’ve spent most of my life taking care of others in some capacity and I’m now at a point where I can start to take care of myself more than I have.  While I don’t want any pets of my own or boyfriends to take care of right now, I do want friendships (and a full-time job, but that’s another post).

If there’s one thing in this world that I’m not great at it’s making and keeping close friends. I’ve always struggled with letting people get close and I tend to push them away without realizing it.  The biggest and hardest revelation that I’ve made is that I’m the maker of my bed.

It’s normal to crave a community and to desire to feel like you belong somewhere and to someone(s).  One of the components that drew me to Los Angeles was the belief that I’d have an easier time making friends.  It’s known that a lot of people in LA are flaky and fake, and I agree that this is a bizarre theory.  Yet, so far my theory has proven true.

Moving west has allowed me to begin figuring out who I am. Without the added history and past perceptions of who I once was in Rochester.

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel like I belong and to be part of a friend group. I have friends, I even have some close friends. I love them, but I’ve never had a group of people who I can call my best friends. I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere and it’s annoyed me for all my adult life. 

When I tell people about my dilemma it’s often followed by the words, “That’s rare Kelsey.” and “Most people never find a group of best friends, this isn’t a TV show.” These “facts” (in my opinion) are a cop-out for getting close to people.  It IS possible to have a community and friends who mutually care for each other.  I believe this more than I believe in most things. 

It wasn’t until today while eating my salad, upon discovering my dear enemy cilantro, that it dawned on me. I AM cilantro. I don’t always make sense in certain dishes, but I fit well in others. Like cilantro, I need to find a dish where I make the most sense.

I have a good feeling that Los Angeles might be my dish.  This place is going to teach me a lot about myself, and I will come to find my place here.


Photo by ZACHARY STAINES on Unsplash

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