Published on: Aug 18, 2016


I’m currently sitting at home, sick. I should be resting, but I dislike the idea of sitting around doing nothing all day.  I’ve made a discovery, and I needed to write it down. I haven’t written a post in a while, which is pretty typical of me according to the hundreds of diaries I’ve started and have yet to finish.

“I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery lately…”

I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery lately and have been thinking a lot about the people whom I admire. What do I like about them, and why do I admire them? Asking myself these questions has led me to realize some things about myself.

It was a gradual pull, one that I didn’t realize was happening.  I woke up one morning and had a desire to do something that wasn’t driven by Hollywood. It was 5 am and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I sat and stared out the window, thinking about my life. Earlier this year I was close to tears when I considered doing anything that I wasn’t acting, and here I was, okay with moving on.

I’m 24 and I’m already exhausted. I don’t love it anymore. I’m tired of always being “on” and I’m tired of the fake.

“I suppose it all started in June…”

I suppose it all started in June when I was sitting in a bar and this girl I barely know was complaining about every theater production she’d been in recently.  And I realized how utterly annoyed I was at it.  Something in me snapped, and I realized that I could keep moving forward and stay annoyed at the people, or I could leave. I could simply walk away. I’ve never wanted to complain about my job or regret my life choices. Instead, I want to be happy.  In that bar this past June, it dawned on me that I wasn’t

Self-doubt and obsession riddle certain professions. My experiences with acting are that a lot of people don’t talk about anything else, and there’s constant need to be “prettier” (at least from my standpoint).

Don’t get me wrong, I love acting. It’s one of my favorite things to do, but I need a break. I need to find out what makes me happy. I’ve been spending all this time trying to be prettier and better when It really shouldn’t matter. Looks shouldn’t matter, but they do. If you’re an actor you’ll be categorized and placed in a small box by those who don’t know you. You yourself might hate it there, but leaving that box is hard. Especially in an ego-driven industry.

Maybe I seem bitter, but I’m not.  I don’t hate acting, I just dislike that a once artistic profession is now driven by money over talent. I’ve always craved the raw truth, not some Hollywood version of the truth.  I don’t like that I’m so worried about how I look all the time.  It doesn’t matter.  Being surrounded by people that aren’t like me can be exhausting.  I need to find people who I can relate to.

“What I know is that…”

What I know is that I’m good with money, I’m a good storyteller, and I’ve scored 100% on every color test that I’ve taken. I know that I’m good with design and that I love it. If I could find a job that would allow me the freedom to travel, I’d take it.  I know that if I don’t explore other options I’ll be stuck feeling out of place the rest of my life. I have other talents, and I’ve been neglecting them.

“I’ve also been frustrated with the unfulfilled relationships in my life.”

I’ve also been frustrated with the unfulfilled relationships in my life.  The other night I was sitting on my porch enjoying the hot, sticky summer air.  The rain was falling silently on the roof, the crickets chirping somewhere in the dark mist. I could hear cars rolling down the road next to the house, the sound of disturbed rain puddles following. Daydreaming about Los Angeles and how I wouldn’t hear the rain there. I began thinking about small apartments and old friends that I don’t often think of. I’m not sure what brought on these bittersweet memories, and thoughts of an unknown future. What I do know is that the combination of thoughts led me to yearn for a life that is different from the track that I’m currently on.

“If you meet me you’re going to do a lot of thinking.”

I don’t feel connected to many people as it is.  I find a lot of times people are simple, and surface level. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s just that there are more of them, then there are of me. If you meet me you’re going to do a lot of thinking.  I can’t help it, or rather, I don’t want to help it.  I don’t blindly believe everything that I read, and I don’t blindly follow people who have questionable morals. Instead, I enjoy having deep conversations with people. I like knowing more than the weather.

I blame social media for most of it, this feeling that I have. We live in a world built around likes and comments. You can be anyone online.  Social media allows people to be accepted for being fake. Happy Birthday’s don’t have the same meaning anymore, people know where you’re vacationing without even picking up the phone. There are benefits, but I’m afraid that the cons often outweigh the pros.

I miss the connections I used to have with people. People will often tell me stories about their lives in the 70’s and 80’s and I grow envious. I try not to be, but I can’t help wishing that I grew up then too.  I wish people still valued relationships like they did back then.

Knowing this I realize that I need to pursue a different career.

I’ve spent a long time hell bent on being an actress, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live in a superficial world. I want real, genuine connections. I’d rather be around people that I can count on, not people who like me based on what I can offer them.

I’m in no way bashing the film and music industry.  Some of the people whom I most admire are actors and singers. The thing about the people that I admire is that they’re a  little rough around the edges and don’t play to Hollywood’s hand, and I respect them for that.

I’ll get involved with acting again, I won’t be able to stay away from it.  For now, though, I’m going to stick to my other talents.  Right now I’m so tired of the way my life is headed.  The people in my life are great, but I need a major change.  I need to to work on meeting people like me, I need to work on making myself happy.



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