Published on: Mar 30, 2018


I was hit with deja vu this morning as I strolled down a gated path, backpack over one shoulder, on my way to housesit for a brief period of time.  I felt like I was in college again, on my way to some class that I was contemplating skipping due to beautiful weather.

Gated alleyways remind me of summertime and bees, buzzing over trash bins left amongst red brick walls.  They’ve made a home surrounding the chaos that is our lives.  The end of this long pathway could lead to anywhere.  A corner store, your friend’s house, a side of town you’d rather avoid.

There’s something about mesh gates that I love.  I’d say it’s weird, but I think it’s a memory that fills me with hope.  They remind me of a lost friend and carnival; a time in my life that stood still for far too long.

Filled with innocence and dreamers, summer is flowers in Central Park and bike rides along the Erie Canal.  The market at five on a Saturday morning and bloody legs from running through thorny woods.  Summer’s a rejuvenating period that leaves a wet spring to eventually welcome bright autumn.

The energy of summer is vibrant and pristine and I wish that the warm nights would remain endless.  The season paints an image in my mind of colors and sand, of wanting more out of life and doing everything I can to get it.

Yet, sometimes I’m filled with this melancholy that won’t leave. Leading me down a spiral of sad thoughts and fantasies that won’t ever come true.  I hope they never come true.  This feeling passes in time, once I feel more confident in myself.

I flounder a lot.  For the right words mostly. I’m not sure how to respond when I’m put in situations with mixed energies.  Summer somehow makes these situations easier to handle.  Maybe it’s the heat, an excuse for a foggy mind, or the way that laughter seems to come easier to people.  This results in a tendency to ignore my awkwardness more than normal.

What resonated the most with me this morning as I made the short trek was how much has changed in my life since the summers of long ago.

Things are different now.

The people in my life have filled up the cracks in my soul that were once filled by others.

Best of all,

I’m happy.



Photo by Tanja Heffner on Unsplash


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