It’s now 4:38 am and I’m eating a salad. I’m grateful I got to wake up in a bed this morning and go eat a salad. As weird as salad might be to eat before the sun’s up its food, and food fuels you. Or maybe my body just really needs Kale right now. My favorite time has always been now, at dawn, just me. It’s been a while since I’ve woken up this early with intention. I’m heading the gym in an hour to workout with a friend. I’m not great at going if I’m alone and I’m grateful he’s here to go to the gym with. Basically it’s tough not be grateful right now. Even with all the change I’m so lucky for the people and food I have in my life.
I’ve had a lot of truth thrown at me over the past few weeks by a few people. Truth that hurt for a second but was something I needed to hear. The information is making me stronger and I’m feeling like it’s becoming easier to step into my power. The great thing about being told anything is that it’s just information given to you by the world around you. You get to do with it what you please. (Easier said than done, I know). But what I’m hearing is important for growth and I’m happier because of it. I have one friend in particular who I’ve been diligent in talking to about these things. Random phone calls in the middle of the day that help reinforce a lot of reflection. Having someone to talk to about personal things is rare, that doesn’t go unrecognized.
Something I miss about living in a house is waking up before dawn (like now) and walking barefoot outside with coffee or tea to watch the sunrise and listen to the birds. There’s something serene about waking before the rest of the world seems to wake. It’s quiet and it seems that it’s easier to think about certain things that you don’t normally get to reflect on.
(My roommate’s dog really wants to come say “Hi” right now. I can hear her moving around next door. But this is me time and she can wait).
I have a long list of poem I started writing last September. I want to publish them into a book one day but they’re pretty personal, so we’ll see. It depends what the next few months look like. It’s nothing bad, just revealing to where my heart space has been this past year. They’re definitely better than what I’m writing now, I’m not even going to proofread this and I have to get “gym ready” soon.
(Knowing me I’ll probably edit this later though)
I’m obsessed with the quiet and darkness of right now. It’s funny too. I’ve spent so much time flustered over things out of my control. Words people say about others to me, actions that aren’t a reflection of who I am, and I’ve internalized them. But sitting at my kitchen table at (now) 5: 11 am in Los Angeles and all I can think about is how lucky I’ve been. I know I’ll look back at this post in a few years and laugh at any worries I’ve been having these past few months. Every action I’m taking now will come into fruition and things will fall into place.
I’m grateful that I didn’t date that guy I liked back in Rochester and that I didn’t stay friends with my group in high school. It’s what I wanted in that moment but I wasn’t thinking long term. Just like with those two situations, I’ll know in the next few months to a year why things had to happen the way that they have been. Because everything that’s happened so far has led me to this moment right now. To last night reconnecting with a friend and then late-night dinner with two others on Pico. It’s all because I was being looked out for by my own internal guides. And I’m in love with right now.