It’s Me – I’m The Solution


The world is spinning – but I’m sure you already know that. Much like the ocean, love comes in waves. And if we don’t go with the flow, we can become stuck.

It’s easy to get lost in our heads and come across as less than hospitable as a result. It’s easy to be a victim of our inner worlds. Like me, I bet you also have a light deep down that wants to shine over the darkness murking your current psyche.

I wrote this for my subconscious. It’s a reminder that there’s so much beauty in the details of life, even within the chaos. But I also wrote this for anyone who can resonate – anyone who may be helped by the words.

I don’t always feel deserving of love, but then I find myself alone at 10 pm writing out 40 Christmas cards to people I care for and whose presence I cherish. And I remember, “Oh right, love is all around me.”

I feel like I’m lacking but then I go for a walk in the woods and the sun is shining on a damp patch of grass and the birds are chirping in the trees. And I think, “Oh, I can still hear and see the beauty in this world. I’m lucky for that.”

The mundane of life sometimes irks me but then my two-year-old cousin laughs at something silly and I look at him with an adoring smile, “Oh, this. The little things are what life is about.”

There are moments when I feel all alone in the world but then a friend who lives a distance away calls and uses a nickname that’s only intended for me. My heart gets warmer, “Oh right, even with the miles between us, I haven’t been forgotten about.”

I look at those around me and compare myself to them. “Am I doing everything wrong?” But then I learn of a death in the family, a layoff, bad timing, a toxic relationship, and a loss of innocence. I look at my own human life, “Oh right. There’s no such thing as a perfect story.”

I feel hopeless but then I remember a time when things were darker. When I felt like my world was falling apart. A time when some of the people in my life had me crying daily. I genuinely didn’t want to be alive anymore. I look at the people and spaces in my present life, in my “now” and I think, “Oh thank God I kept on living. I’m grateful I got to experience this happiness.”

I get overwhelmed over my career but then a waiter gives me a free kombucha because I was kind and I’m reminded that I’m more than a title. “Oh, people like me for who I am, not because of the position I hold.”

I get stuck in a nostalgic loop of what happened in the past and start applying it to my present life. And then a tennis ball hits my face after missing my racket by a hair and I’m brought back to the moment.

Here and now, this is what matters.

With you, at this coffee shop, on this trip, at this party, on this tennis court, or enjoying my own company. Not lost in my head overthinking worst-case scenarios. Not in a space where stories brew. Stories that hold no weight for today, tomorrow, or ever.

Most of us are not who we once were and there’s beauty and sadness in that knowing. None of us need to hold on to the narrative that was once bestowed upon us by ourselves and others.

Even with constant reminders from those who mean well and want the best for us, the mental shift does have to come from within. It’s okay to get lost, but at the age of 31, I’m finding it more and more crucial to not get stuck for long. Even though I still feel 28 at heart (I blame 2020 for this) I can’t deny the passage of time (in a good way).

I don’t know what the future brings, but I do know that the eb and flow of the ocean won’t stop as long as I’m living. Life will be low and then high again. There will be sadness but then it will be followed by pure joy. The story is still being written.

Most importantly, I know that the future will be filled with laughter and moments that make me go, “Oh right, this moment in time is what matters. I’m glad I’m here.”

Photo by Matt Hardy on Unsplash

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